The Comparison Trap: Why We Compare Ourselves and How to Break Free
Have you ever found yourself scrolling through social media and suddenly feeling small, inadequate, or behind in life?
If so, you are not alone. As holistic therapists, many of the people we work with struggle with comparison. It can sound like:
“I should be further along by now.”
“Why can’t I look like that?”
“Everyone else seems happier than me.”
Comparison is a deeply human tendency. But, for many of us, it’s also a source of self-criticism, chronic dissatisfaction, shame, and disconnection. And even though most of us know we need to spend less time on social media and “just stop” comparing ourselves to others…it’s easier said than done because comparison isn’t the root problem, it’s a symptom.
Underneath the behavior of comparison lies a yearning for safety, belonging, and self-worth that hasn’t yet found a secure home inside us.
One of the first steps in stopping comparison behaviors is to more deeply understand the roots of comparison so that our efforts to reduce or stop comparing ourselves to others are more effective.
The Core Roots of Comparison
Despite the symptom of comparison being relatively easy to spot, the roots of comparison run deep, touching our biology, psychology, social conditioning, and cultural environment. Here’s a holistic list of the common roots of comparison broken into layers to show how they interconnect:
1. The Need for Belonging
Humans are wired to seek connection and inclusion (we are all born with an attachment system that’s wired and ready to go), so comparison begins as a way to gauge where we stand in a group.
When connection and belonging feel uncertain, we start measuring ourselves against others to secure our place “in the pack.”
2. The Drive for Safety
From an evolutionary and nervous-system perspective, tracking others helped our ancestors stay safe in the tribe.
Our bodies still interpret “being left behind” or “not measuring up” as a threat to survival. As infants or small humans we aren’t very capable at first and actually need to depend on adults to get our needs met…to survive.
3. The Search for Worth and Validation
Many of us end up internalizing the belief that our worth depends on achievement, appearance, or approval because we are being taught and shown this from every angle in our culture.
Comparison becomes a strategy to prove (to ourselves or others) that we’re “enough.”
4. Early Attachment Patterns
When attention, connection, validation, or love were inconsistent in childhood, we learned to earn connection by being “good enough.”
Comparison replays that old pattern: “If I were more like them, I’d be loved.”
5. Cultural Conditioning
Modern culture reinforces comparison through social media, competition, productivity metrics, and beauty standards (to name just a few).
Capitalism thrives on the feeling of “not enough,” keeping us consuming and striving.
6. Disconnection from the Body and Self
When we’re disconnected from our bodies, intuition, and emotions, we lose touch with our own inner sense of worth. In that disconnection, we start looking outward for cues about how to be or who to become.
Remember, we are not born in disconnected states…we learn to disconnect and disembody (as a protective strategy) because it becomes too uncomfortable, too unsafe, too intolerable to remain connected to ourselves and our bodies when our emotional/attachment/psychological needs are going unmet.
7. Shame and Self-Criticism
Shame whispers, “There’s something wrong with me.”
Comparison often arises as a shame management strategy: “If I can be better, I’ll finally feel safe, seen, or accepted. If I can be better, I can get away from that feeling of shame.”
Remember, we are not born feeling ashamed. It’s something that we end up having to believe about ourselves because: 1) it’s too scary when we are young to believe that the adults and world around us aren’t right and safe, 2) we are developmentally ego-centric as children, meaning we personalize or internalize most everything to be about ourselves because that’s how a not-fully-developed brain works.
8. Unresolved Grief or Longing
Sometimes comparison hides deeper grief…grief over unlived parts of ourselves, unmet desires, or lost possibilities.
Instead of feeling that longing and grief, we project it onto others: “They have what I don’t.”
Now that we have clearly identified some of the core roots to the behavior of comparison, let’s take a look at situations that tend to increase comparison behaviors (therefore stirring up self-criticism and feelings of shame).
Common Triggers for Comparison Behaviors
1. Life Transitions and Uncertainty
Major changes like starting a new job, moving, breakups, becoming a parent, or aging can activate uncertainty about identity or worth.
When we’re unsure who we are, we often look to others for cues about how we “should” be doing.
2. Periods of Emotional Vulnerability
Feeling unworthy, rejected, or unseen primes the mind for comparison.
The nervous system looks outward to restore equilibrium: “Who’s doing better than me? Worse than me? Where do I stand?”
3. Exposure to Highly Curated Environments
This can include things like social media, networking events, reunions, gyms, wellness retreats, weddings, bachelorette/bachelor parties, holidays, etc. Any context where people present their “best selves.”
The body can interpret this as a subtle threat: “I don’t belong here.”
4. Competitive or Performance-Oriented Cultures
Patriarchal culture in the United States perpetuates comparison by teaching all of us to measure our worth through external standards of power, beauty, success, and control rather than inner truth or connection. This system keeps everyone trapped in cycles of competition and self-judgment, distancing us from authenticity, belonging, and one another.
Workplaces, schools, churches, sports, and even spiritual or wellness communities can foster unspoken hierarchies of “success”. When value feels conditional on performance, comparison becomes a survival strategy.
5. Times of Rest, Stillness, or Illness
Ironically, when we slow down, take a break, fall sick, or step back comparison often spikes.
Our nervous systems, steeped in the patriarchy, are accustomed to productivity as proof of worth, so panic tends to ensue when output pauses: “They’re doing more than me.”
6. Moments of Disconnection or Loneliness
When we feel isolated or unseen, we may scan others for signs of belonging or inclusion.
Comparison can be a misguided way to regulate connection…“If I were like them, maybe I’d feel closer.”
7. Old Attachment Wounds Being Triggered
Seeing someone praised, loved, or chosen can awaken early experiences of rejection, exclusion, not being enough, or being too much.
The comparison is less about the other person and more about reactivated pain in the body.
8. Unmet Desires or Latent Dreams
When someone else embodies a path we secretly long for, it can ignite envy or self-judgment.
This kind of comparison points to unacknowledged longing rather than failure.
9. Financial or Social Stress
Economic uncertainty, class differences, or social pressure (weddings, holidays, career milestones and transitions) all heighten comparison as we assess “where we stand.”
10. Perfectionistic or Achievement-Oriented Conditioning
Those raised to equate worth with doing things “right” or “perfectly” are more prone to comparison.
It’s often an internalized voice of performance-based love.
In essence, comparison behaviors intensify whenever we feel unsafe, unseen, or uncertain about our place in the world (belonging). The mind, due to years of social conditioning, has been trained to look outward for validation, but what it truly seeks is inner safety and belonging.
You may already be quite familiar with the effects of comparison, so feel free to skip the next section. Although, sometimes it can be quite useful to really bear witness to all the ways in which continuing to compare not only hurts you but others as well. This bearing witness to the harm of comparison is not about criticism or shame, it’s to help us get in touch with the costs of staying stuck using comparison in order to help motivate us toward change.
How Comparison Hurts Us… and Each Other
Comparison quietly undermines our sense of wholeness. When we measure ourselves against others, we reinforce the painful belief that our worth is conditional…that we must earn love, belonging, or success by meeting external standards. Over time, this habit erodes self-trust and self-worth, creating an internal climate of self-criticism and shame. The body often responds first with tension and vigilance, as though constantly scanning for proof that we’re enough, followed by flop and collapse. In these states, it becomes difficult to rest, to feel satisfied, or to truly feel well.
Comparison also disconnects us from our bodies and inner wisdom. When our attention turns outward, we lose touch with our own sensations, needs, and intuition…the very cues that help us live authentically. The more we chase approval or alignment with cultural ideals, the more we drift from our own truth. This outward orientation fuels anxiety, perfectionism, and burnout. It robs us of gratitude and presence, pulling us out of the moment and into a loop of scarcity thinking…the sense that we are perpetually behind or lacking something essential.
But comparison doesn’t only wound the self; it also strains our relationships and our collective wellbeing. When we compare, we are unconsciously elevating and diminishing others in an attempt to feel safer. This dynamic breeds competition and judgment, making it harder to experience genuine connection. It reinforces the very social systems…patriarchy, capitalism, and beauty hierarchies that thrive on keeping us insecure and divided. Instead of meeting each other with empathy and authenticity, we perform, compete, and protect our image all of which block us from connecting to our true selves and others being able to get to know the real you.
Over time, comparison becomes contagious. Our own self-criticism can turn outward, showing up as subtle judgments or resentment toward those who trigger our insecurities. Without meaning to, others begin to feel like they can’t measure up either, or like they’re constantly being evaluated. You might seem hard to please, not because you mean to be, but because the part of you that compares is always scanning for what’s missing or what could be better.
Over time, this can create distance in your closest relationships. People sense when they’re being compared, even subtly. It can make them feel unsafe or unseen.
In truth, comparison fractures both our inner and outer worlds. It separates us from our inherent worth, from each other, and from the deep sense of belonging we’re all longing for. When we begin to recognize comparison as a signal, a symptom of disconnection rather than failure, we can meet it with compassion and begin to reconnect and return home to ourselves and each other.
Even though it may feel tempting to just avoid all these triggering situations in order to reduce or stop comparison behaviors, it’s not realistic and avoidance isn’t true healing and growth. If you’re curious about how to reduce and ultimately stop comparing yourself to others, read on!
The Healing Path Out of Comparison
The impulse to compare isn’t something to shame or fight against. It’s a part of you…often a younger, vigilant part that learned long ago that tracking others was necessary for safety, belonging, and love. From a somatic and holistic perspective, healing comparison begins not by silencing this part, if it were that simple you would have done it already. True healing happens by building a caring and trusting relationship with the part of you that compares. The comparison part developed to protect you; it believed that if you could measure up, you wouldn’t be left behind. With compassion, you can begin to thank it for its hard work and let it know that you, your adult, grounded self, are here now to provide the safety it’s been striving for.
It can also be very useful to build somatic awareness of what the familiar pull to compare feels like in your body. Where does this impulse live? Perhaps in the chest as tightness, in the gut as fluttering, or in your jaw and neck as tension. Instead of pushing it away, meet the sensations in your body with curiosity. You might quietly say to this part, “I feel you there, thank you for trying to protect me. You can rest for a bit. I’ve got us now.” Over time, as this part begins to trust your inner leadership, it doesn’t need to work so hard to keep you safe through comparison. The body can exhale and relax.
At the root of comparison lies a deeper wound, the part of you that believes it isn’t enough. Healing comparison, then, is really about healing the illusion of inadequacy. When you reconnect with your inherent worth, the unchanging goodness that lives beneath all striving and proving, comparison loses its grip. From this embodied knowing, there is nothing to prove and no one to outperform. You begin to see others not as measures of your value, but as reflections of shared humanity. When you know you are enough, everyone else is allowed to be enough too.
You might begin exploring this inner relationship through gentle reflection or journaling:
When did I first learn to compare myself to others? What was happening in my life or environment at that time?
What is my comparison part afraid would happen if it stopped comparing me?
What does this part most need to feel safe, seen, or loved?
What would it feel like to live from the truth that I am already enough, right now, as I am?
A Somatic Practice for Returning to Yourself
Find a quiet place to sit or stand. Let your breath slow and place one hand on your heart, or anywhere else on your body that feels good.
Feel the natural rhythm of your breath moving beneath your hands. Imagine that with each exhale, you are releasing the tension of measuring, performing, or striving. With each inhale, breathe in a sense of being…simple, whole, and present.
As you breathe, let your awareness expand to include your entire body: your weight on the ground, the warmth of your skin, the gentle pulse of life inside you. Whisper softly to yourself, “I am here. I am enough.”
Stay for a few breaths and notice any subtle shifts… softening, warmth, a bit more space inside?
This practice helps the nervous system experience safety and belonging from within rather than seeking it externally through comparison. Over time, the body learns a new way of being in the world…one grounded in presence, compassion, and connection. When you are rooted in your inherent goodness, comparison no longer feels necessary. You don’t have to prove your worth; you simply live from it.
Final Thoughts
Healing the habit of comparison, and the deeper wounds that sustain it, is BRAVE work. It asks us to turn inward with compassion, to face the tender places that have long believed they’re not enough, and to offer them the care they’ve always needed. While this journey can feel daunting, it doesn’t have to be done alone. Healing happens most powerfully in connection, in the presence of another nervous system that can offer steadiness, non-judment, warmth, and attunement as you rediscover your inherent worth.
If you’re ready to let go of comparison, we invite you to reach out for a free consultation by clicking the contact tab in the upper righthand corner of our website and submitting a contact form. Together, we can begin the process of softening comparison’s hold and returning you to the truth of who you are: whole, worthy, and already enough.